Tales from the Job Front

Alternate Career Paths pt. 8

| Viciously Sweet

Many years ago Steven was a young child, a child with a penchant for porcupines.

When he was but a tot, he would fervently watch nature shows seeing the likes of Jack Hanna frolicking with animal friends. This was far too tame for young Steven, who felt the grips of adventure every time he saw a possum.

And then one day Steven saw the Crocodile Hunter, and his life changed. He realized that he could have an action show, a peculiar accent, and even better action figures that would come with a tiny little porcupine.

That is when in his dreams Steven became…. THE PORCUPINE COLLECTOR!

Steven would attach pine needles to dogs and large cats and pretend his dream was a reality.

However, on the eve of his 13th birthday Steven encountered a porcupine and broke out into a rash… it turns out he had a porcupine allergy. With his starry-eyed dreams destroyed in its prime, Steven gave up being a nature show host.

Here’s what may have been…

 

♫LAUREN

Alternate Career path pt. 7

| Viciously Sweet

Christine has always had an intense desire to be a spokesmodel.

As a child she would adorn herself with jewels from QVC and attempted to sell them with her Siamese cat Maui to the other Siamese cats in her household. Although the cats never purchased anything, she did successfully resell several things to her own mother.

One day she saw a commercial with Celebrity guest Cher discussing beauty products… she knew that if she were a spokesperson she could sell the heck out of anything and be adored by all the gay bears out there,  just like the curly haired Cher. Christine then started strategizing to which product she could sell to  the unsuspecting world…

One day Christine found that opportunity in the greatest exercise invention in the last 42 years… the THIGH MASTER! She realized that she could not only sell the heck out of the THIGH MASTER but greatly improve thigh aesthetics worldwide.

Now the only thing she had to do was dispose of the current THIGH MASTER seller Suzanne Somer’s. Christine made great lengths in sullying her competitions name such as accusing her of thigh implants, attacking the elderly, and of being 72% robotic. Her attempts however failed because she was deemed not Blonde enough to fill the shoes of Ms. Somer’s by the League of THIGH MASTER’s… She thusly died her hair orange, and decided to attend high school with other non-celebrity spokespeople… like Isabel and Lauren.

She does sometimes fantasize what her life would be like if she had removed Suzzane from her THIGH MASTER throne…

basically she’d have thighs that could be licensed as a lethal weapon…