This is why I cut you

I have been extra spicy lately. And by that I mean a little more bite your face off.
Now I only really notice this when I am at work and I think it could be for the following reasons:

1. I am suffering from “cubicle fever.” I honest to goodness feel the 8×8 yellow walls closing in on me…
2. It is quieter than mime hell in this office. And I’m not the only one here? What kind of frothy hell am I in?
3. The office penguin needs a fresh new hat. Pirate Penguins are so last season.
4. The temperature in the office is set on make Lauren into “Encino Man.” And I’m not really into Brendan Fraser.
5. I really want to see my new niece. She’s so fresh.
6. There is no “Mad Men” on TV. And it’s what I want, what I really really want.
7. The Beach boys do not enunciate their words in “Barbara Ann.” This is an absolute concern to me today.
8. I want to be dressed like Elvira, for all the rest of time. But no one can handle me being that provocative. Also I don’t think that hair will fit in my car.
9.The apple I brought to work today was supposed to be a “golden delicious,” and it was more of a “yellow mushy”… also it tasted only like wet.
10. I only remembered 175 countries out of the 198 countries in the world. Darn you Caribbean Islands, especially you Grenada. Because I totally forgot you existed.

I’m in serious need of a Photoshop break.


Things I did not do

EXAMPLE #1: Actually get to watch “While you were sleeping”.
EXAMPLE #2: Eat fried chicken
I talked on the phone to Jimmy instead it went a lot like this:

Yes, this wasn't even an exageration... plus we talked about BULBOUS mandolins


First Tirade of the Year: No Reynolds!

I am so not into the world loving Ryan Reynolds.
I want to make it clear that I do not like him in any way….
I remember you from that show with the pizza… And from being Van Wilder… and even from being the not so cute, cute guy in the Sabrina the teenage witch movie….

I would have taken Harvey Kinkle any day

Also I remember you from that movie where you are wearing a fatsuit…because you are so dreamy seeing you in a fatsuit is funny? No, you are not and but I watched it because I like Anna Farri,s who I cannot wait to see in this movie…. (positive part of blog post:)

This movie looks good and it has Topher Grace!

But anyways stop trying to sell my on this guy Movie people… because I don’t want him:

Also Isn’t Ryan Phillippe a better actor and equal jerk…? Let’s ask Alanis Morrisette and Scarlet Johanson…

♫Lauren (who will never be in a ryan reynolds fan club)

I like the way you swing your briefcase

Okay so this is mostly about how I am ashamed of myself for watching ABC Family’s “Beauty and the Briefcase.” It sounded alright…. Hillary Duff, cute clothes, Matt Dallas, hilarious office shenanigans…


But, it turned out so very very wrong.

I really must say I watched it because of this particular guy:

who was on this particular show:

with this kid from “Glee”:

BUT what I didn’t expect  is that although Matt Dallas was refered to as starring in this Movie.  It really meant he was only in it for 5-8 minutes. And she never gave him a chance… to talk or anything. LAME!

What I found is that the character in this movie were highly improbable and at the same time unlikable.  Hillary Duff is writing an undercover piece for Cosmopolitan Magazine about finding love with a professional man. As all she does is wear colorful clothing, drink with the guys from her office, and lament over a list concocted as a teenage girl to find the dreamiest guy. By the way her answer to dreamy guy is some dude with a foreign accent, who travels on a whim, and is suprising.

This is how I imagine him:

 And on a bonus of a sidenote: All her and her friends talk about are men and sex while wearing hideous avocado masks, drinking wine in a box and eating junk food. Which is apparently exactly how girls act. And although she knows nothing about business, she tries to save the company with her trendy presentation skills. Even more lame.

Oh and she keeps referring to her “dream guy” as a “magic man”… this is all I could think of:

Yeah that is apparently all women do.  I found this movie an exact copy of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” and “13 going on 30” without any of the depth. And these movies are not exactly deep. Not even her “I dress really cute” clothes could save this movie.

So if you want to watch a cute movie about a girl and fashion magazines, always go for Jenna Rink. Thank you for your time.


P.S. Why does ABC Family keep telling me its “a different kind of family”. It sounds like they are pedophiles.

Stop, Drop and Roll

I have been super bad at not posting… so here’s my update:

I swear I’ve had a cold for like 3 weeks, and I’ve been moderately hallucinating. On a brighter not I was going through my CDs and remembered when I liked Green Day.

I wished they sounded more like the Foxboro Hot Tubs (which is also them)

I love things that sound like the 1960s.


Past Aggression: The Horn of Plenty

As many people know, I truly couldn’t dislike cornucopias anymore than I naturally do.

I really cannot stand them.

They pretty much ruin the entire month of my birthday with their corn filled lies. I will go so far as to say they plague my dreams and fill my heart with bottomless sorrow.

Also I don’t like anything that can is a synonym for “the horn of plenty.”

I thought I successfully avoided all the suck that cornucopia’s bring this holiday season… but apparently someone who sends me shopping emails thought I look like the kind of girl who wants this email:

Well I am totally not. I want nothing to do with your “cornucopia of savings”.

Merry Christmas.