I may be actually making everything worse for myself by admitting this… but I have to.
I did something this week that I’m not entirely proud of. I said the thing I wanted to say… but knew it was one of those, you-shouldn’t-have-said-it kind of things. But there it was. It sprung from out of my mouth, and it was so matter of fact and harsh I knew it the moment my breath left me.
Anyways of course after I said it, I felt awful. But I simply could not apologize for it, because I simply cannot form those words to that person.
I can say for a moment when I saw the words pierce their intended victim I felt like I had slayed a dragon. I mean this person brings out the worst in me. They are constantly provoking and prodding me so I can be my worst. I usually try not to let them get to me, I smile and I turn my cheek, but this time it was different… I was bubbling with anger… And when the words escaped, it seemed magical to be the person with the cruel “Wuthering Heights” like upper hand. It just isn’t very me to do so…
And although I felt glorious for those 45 seconds… I just didn’t like it. And I feel really awful that I went to that level. Reflecting on this situation I realize it probably only bothered me, because I don’t think this particular cares one iota about me, or my feelings. There I go again. Maybe that is an unfair observation… but it is my opinion.
I heard a song when I was feeling bad about this situation that made me realize that I should let that person be the pot and the kettle all by themselves. And they can think whatever they want about me, because I try to be a good person, and spread joy and giggles- most of the time.
I just have to remember this when I see them and become filled with rage.
Party Serious this Weekend!
*And yes, the title is a Green Day reference… I’ve been listening to “Oh Love” all week..