Some people have relationships and all sorts of other ships.
I being a bit on the awkward side would like to take this time to announce that I don’t really do well in relationships… mostly because I have only have a makeshift raft of relations:
It stays afloat and everything… but it has no sides… it’s not really going to protect you from the water or sharks or anything. Actually it isn’t really helpful unless you need to be marooned on Gilligan’s Island… or you want to hang out with Tom Sawyer and Jim…
I think those last 2 sentences alone explain why I have a relation-raft.
Also the fact that today I am so excited to be able to stay at home by myself… explains a lot of it too. I mean I’ve just had something to do every night for the last 2 weeks… and tonight screams “Let’s wear sweatpants and watch romantic comedies while you illustrate.”
Any who happy Wednesday!
And how does everybody keep their relationships/rafts/buckets afloat?
i feel like some Gwen Stefani right now without spectacular abs…
My life has been like super crazy hectic lately.
I don’t know when it happened… But my boring drawing-in-my-pajamas-lifestyle is disappearing.
And it’s being replaced by the life of someone who to keep dates straight… has a calendar.
A CALENDAR for crying out loud!
I now have to know when dates of the week are… and well that has never been one of my strong points. And then I have to remind myself to not doodle over days on said calendar.
And for a first time calendar user. I can tell you I’m not super into it. It’s severely cramping my lifestyle. I’ve always relied on being an “artist” and just wafting all about… like one day I’m here next day I’m some place else. Following my proverbial sun to wherever I need to go….
Will I call you back? Will you see me before the seasons change? The world may never know.
And now there are schedules, and deadlines. And for some reason… I just seem to keep failing at all of them.
Meet you here at this time? I’m either super early, or nope… I forgot this and now we have to reschedule…
And now I’m stressed out. And the only way I can de-stress is to make light of my last week of failures.
and now without fail….
Lauren’s week of Blunders:
– Losing my pants… where did they go? I have no idea. But the weather is changing and I don’t want to wear tights under my dresses everyday. This is not practical. I’m about to put out a flyer looking for them.
– Forgetting how calendars work… why are we arguing about days of the week??? Because I was looking in the wrong month. Yeah, I am not used to calendars.
– Falling to the earth for no apparent reason while standing and talking to my mother. She probably thinks I was drunk. Every time I do something strange she assumes both alcohol & drugs.
– The always dangerous, the dress you are wearing is see through… And now everyone has seen your superman underpants. Why do dresses not seem sheer when you are trying them on? Why do superman underpants show through everything?
-Everything I have done at work… I mean EVERYTHING! Any time I try to do things the right way… and I end up crying… and my boss has not been super nice to me lately either. I have contemplated becoming a gypsy and a hot dog attendant at weinerschnitzel several times in the last week. Or a combination of the two “Gypsyschnitzel” has a great appeal to it. I imagine a lot of tambourines and sauerkraut.
– I also can’t find my sneakers and think there is conspiracy happening… where did one pants and one shoe go to? I’m thinking Jack White stole them…. and I can’t explain why.
-And everything pertaining to relationships (part of my need for a calendar) Apparently people get upset when you tell them… you have no time for them.
I’m done with my blunders… Okay this all seems kinda negative.
So onto some positive things
– I have been doodling more lately… which is better than all the nothing I was drawing last month.
-New TV is on and by that I mean… “The Mindy Project” & “Parks & Recreation”. I seem to watch nothing else.
-My internet adds are all for new shoes and yeti merchandise.
-I’m getting pizza in a few minutes and I feel like this:
If someone hired a private eye to find out all my secrets they would probably be legit bored with their findings. So they also should say in their contract that the Private Eye must sing “Private Eyes” by Hall & Oates to make this deal lucrative in any way:
And today in all my giggly boredom. I have decided to wiki-leak myself.
Now why would I do that?
Because well, this is one of my most fascinating secrets:
I have so many toys with weird joint locations and animals I cannot even fathom what they are… and even something called a zwinky.
That is all.
And if you already knew this…. I already said my confessions were probably boring. But I do have a crazy awesome collection of incredibly lame toys. They both fascinate, inspire and terrify me all at the same time. For example this thing:
Stomach face toy of yesteryear. Oh the memories of scaring Isabel with this!
Until my next cool confession, you go ahead make a few calzones and have a great day!
The anticipation for this is incredible… isn’t it?
This past week I have been presented with things that I am so not into. I mean like legitimately made me laugh with how bad they truly are. And it made me think about things I don’t understand to the fact that I would say that I don’t like them, and would totally give them a thumbs down if I were on like a reality that gives thumbs down as an answer. I would be the nice judge, with incredible hair, who would have to give the thumbs down sometimes. And here are some of the following things my thumb would be pointing at the floor about:
Michael Bolton’s song “Can I touch you there?”
I am not one of those people who bashes people because they are not “cool.” I enjoy many “uncool” things, unironically even. And Michael Bolton may I say… has a fantastic voice, he has a voice that can sing almost anything. But this song… this song may be one of the worst things that has happened to the world. What happens when you add pan flutes, and a wraspy middle age man dressed like Model-T creator Henry Ford on vacation in the Amazon asking if he can touch you? Besides a highly specific nightmare for a traveling enthusiast after the terrifying combination of far too much world music, and falling asleep reading an inflight magazine. Well you get this song, and its corresponding video. And just in case you are curious… this song is powerful. It can ruin any situation. Do you want to ruin a romantic mood? You want someone to leave alone? Do you want your dentist to stop cleaning your teeth mid appointment to change the music station to something less creepy. Just play this song.
Strange Compliments
I don’t like when guys that you are not friends with give you strange and highly specific “compliments.” Like that your pants elongate your legs. Especially when this person should not be noticing your legs or anything about you for any reason. The thought of certain people staring at my clothes long enough to realize my legs look elongated in them makes me want to gag… big time. And much to their surprise does not whip me into a verbal frenzy. So they failed in many areas that there were trying to not fail in, in one statement.
I realized I don’t want to feel elongated.
The constant news reporting on anything Jennifer Anniston does
I am going to admit here that I read trashy supermarket magazines, albeit 2 months later when my sister is throwing them out and gives them to me in an over-sized plastic target bag. And when I tear into the meaty tales of Kardashian blood letting, and Hugh Jackman walking his dog… I am so sad when I see these ridiculous articles spun out of 1 really bad photo of Jennifer Aniston. Now, as someone who is not photogenic, photographers could have a field day with me if I were famous. (Lauren eats fish tacos to mask her sadness, would be a great story and would literally sell millions of magazines.) But the last photo I saw of her was her crying in her really expensive car after visiting the construction of her house, really took the cake. The article was 3 pages about what a horrible person/bridezilla she was and that she’s ruining Justin Theroux’s life (you know the cowboy from Romy & Michele) with her constant nagging and fretting… And all I could think of is in the world of architecture I have never see anybody react well when you tell them their project is delayed or that it’s overbudget. Or if it happens to be both, you may actually get them yelling at you. So I mean what was her reaction supposed to be? It was actually nice to me that she went to cry about it in her car, instead of throwing a fit and going off on the architect or the construction foreman. Was she supposed to hug them like she was just called to be the next contestant on the “price is right” after news of delays and budget problems? And does anybody know people who handle over budget and lateness like they just won a fabulous pricing game? If so I would like to be their designer, because when I finish on time and on budget I’m sure this person would be so happy they’d pay for me to have my own custom house, and for my masters, and for at least two pairs of unnecessary earrings.
I have a feeling if I were a super hero… I would make leaving Jennifer Aniston alone as one of my priorities. Can she not do anything without a million people knowing?
This thing I keep Hearing about Thigh Gaps
I am going to start as a preface that everyone should be proud of their bodies. And if you are naturally skinny… go for you! Wear really artsy clothes and be joyous. But, personally I am not skinny and I try to keep “gaping” as the least likely description of me. There is nothing on me I want to say is a “gap”. I do not want to bridge it, I do not want to fall into it, I do not want celebrities to sing about the great deals on vests they could get at it. Maybe I’m comfortable with my thighs that I aptly call “Wonder Woman thighs.” And find this whole you should have a large brooding gap between your legs. And actually I need you to focus more on this gap thing, apply that to any body part and I’m sure you can understand how I feel. How about this statement “Dang did you see Denise’s gaping front teeth”? “I’m so envious of Sylvia’s arm to body gap… she can literally hold a small chicken betwixt those two things.” “Edna’s legs are so far apart from each-other she could smuggle a Christmas ham during a marathon.” Let’s just say no to this. And actually if your body is like this, I’m not going to say anything else about it, except please don’t take pictures of your gap with the sunset betwixt it. Actually no one should do that… ever.
The continent bridging thigh gap distance is the most coveted of all gaps.
I hope that was just enough joyous yet curmudgeonly complaints for the day. I hope you go out to the world and investigate some of the things you are just not getting either…
The title of this post seems a little sexier than my posts probably are. So how am I going to combine “subliminal messages” with clothing and my blinding optimism together? Well brace yourself this blog is about to get *snaps fingers together* thrilling.
Well, let’s just say I discovered based on the way I dress to work, I can control the conversations had in the office. It’s happened a few times in a few outfits, and I think its hilarious. My clothing has caused long discussions of the Wedding Singer, Wonder Woman, 80s teen movies, and 13 going on 30. Basically my wheelhouse of interests since I usually try to avoid talking to my coworkers about anything resembling my personal life (sorry Amber, this is why I enjoy my corner seat… I only talk to you!)
Anyways a few weeks ago I went shopping and got found this dress. It made me feel like singing about how pretty I feel. Basically I was like channeling Maria from “West Side Story.” When I left the dressing room this other store customer told me sassily “That dress is all you.” I was thrilled. I bought it and I felt pity on any girl that wasn’t in that dress (not really, that’s a little harsh.)
So I finally got the time in the morning to wear my dress and make myself look like a human. I got to work and by 9:30 Johnny was snapping his fingers and talking about the gangs in “West Side Story.” Only an hour and a half in and I was a success. We discussed Bernardo and his purple suits… and then we pondered why any gangs would pick orange and purple as their colors. I mean those are like soda colors. Like Kool-Aid flavors. And really nonthreatening, btw. I mean imagine being accosted by a man in a purple well fitted suit. What can he really do to you… give you a makeover? Not let you go to the dance?
I feel pretty witty and bright too!
And just in case you want to put on a red dress and sing this song… you don’t even have to go far:
It’s all work and well more work… and work on the weekend to make deadlines kind of work.
Needless to say the sun is not the only thing burning me out during the 8-5 of it all.
In fact all this work has made me feel uber dull. In fact I was feeling like when Spongebob stopped being silly and devoted his life to becoming more normal:
I felt like I lost that silly spark of mine.
I had this terrifying dream on Monday night of me being in a beige blazer in a cubicle, doing spread sheets and i couldn’t get them to print right on my 80’s dot matrix printer. Basically I was Jane Fonda in 9-5 and I was hating my existence:
I feel bad that she had to wear this outfit… I feel worse that I was wearing it’s beige cousin in my dreams.
And I felt trapped. This horrible amount work is controlling everything do. I mean is was even in my dreams!
I was only really resuscitated yesterday by a day of severe office goofing off… my deadlines were over and the new guy is really fun to be goofy with.
This is kind of what yesterday was like… but more like this with ruler jousting.
… and making bottle launchers, and playing pranks on Amber. (Who I think secretly enjoyed the weird screensaver and Rick-rolling.)
So in a better state of mind from a less stressful work load. I decided to get back into a doodly state of mind. I looked in my vast archives to find a doodle I made when I was a completely joy enraptured state.
And I found this stunning brainstorming cloud up in my fancy notebook. It explains the perfect storm of my personal happiness:
Just some things that put a smile on my face.
And reading all my silly joys just brought me right back to my giggly self.
I am sitting here thinking about vinyl records, the beach, how very nice the blanket I have stuffed in my work desk feels. I have a feeling the rest of my day may just be awesome.
Also I think I have a great idea for a series of things that make me and others go “Oooh.” Be prepared. Tell me things that make you go “Oooh” too… and you never know what can be doodled from that!
♥Lauren
(All images that are not mine are courtesy of Tumblr)
Today I wanted a pretzel, but like a good one. You know a soft pretzel that has like saltiness, and is delivered to you buy angel’s playing a harp with their non pretzel holding hand. But, I had to settle for a hard one from work. They are okay and everything but no one ever closes the container and well, they are not fresh. Like 2 days after they come into this office… they are beyond unfresh.
And much like a Mindy Kaling book, everyone at work is hanging out without me. I know this because I found them all in one room when I was on my way to the bathroom. I listened for a minute or two, but was not really interested in the fact that they were talking about girls throwing up and being drunk in general. And the lushiest lush of all of them was enjoying the fact he was the only sober person at this event. Like, seriously so much nerve was being had! And as he bragged about his un-inebriated state, I told him “Well, there is a first time for everything.”
Why am I going on about this? This post is supposed to be about snacks…
So anyways I ate pretzels. And I don’t usually say this about food… but:
Today’s story is just about how I don’t get things.
I was raised Roman Catholic. I was big time into all doing the communion stuff when I was growing up. I have a rosary by my bed given to me by my grandmother. I love me some gilded paintings of Jesus. I even for like 4 months at 16 thought about being a nun…. Which I later discovered I would have really sucked at (seriously, me not accessorizing to quote the great Cher Horowitz… “As if”). Nor could I really be like an Indiana Jones of religious relic’s (apparently searching isn’t as exciting as Harrison Ford makes it). And last religious confession. There is some Saint Francis statue in my backyard that I am terrified to move because he’s broken… and I don’t know what to do with him, especially since he’s broken. So he can sit there forever according to my logic until he once again becomes a part of the Earth.
Now that I have relinquished this information about me, I would like to say that in no way am I closed off or judgmental about anyone’s beliefs (but I think this blog makes that evident). And one more thing every religion is cool… and no one should use any of their beliefs to make them think they are better than anyone else, or bring others down… because no religion except for Meanology should be into that.
But, back to my story of not really understanding things. Being raised Catholic I have never really understood “Bible Study”. When I was a kid in communion classes, Bible Study was really like studying the Bible. And for that matter I pretty much had my fill of religious learning after my last religion class in High School. It according to me and my friends, was obviously a punishment for all of our sins. And consisted of 5 days a week of an elderly man talking about whatever he felt like. 2 days were dedicated solely to his love of coca-cola products. Other days about the song “Waltzing with Bears”, because the local hillside was on fire. I actually considered it a blessing when our class was interrupted by a fire imposed break. And then when we resumed he would tell us about how he felt about appropriate theater applause, candied apples, and of course how he felt about WWII. After that I never wanted to be an organized studier of anything, especially if I could end up with a lecturer like that.
Well anyways flash forward a few years and here I am. I am constantly hearing that people and my coworkers are going to Bible study. Having a bible study. Attending a bible study weekend. Going to a bible study conference. Leading a Bible Study. Taking a Bible Study to a hot date on a Saturday night.
And here I am thinking that all they do in their spare time is read the Bible. I mean they’ve been reading it for years, they must spend their time quoting thing like about, peace and doves, and puling camels through the eye of a needle. But they never quote the Bible at work!?! Which is cool since this is an architecture practice and not a Bible Study group. And that is how I carried on with my days.
Until Mindy Kaling taught me a little bit about Christianity. In an episode of the Mindy Project she had a Bible Study. And I finally felt like I had an in… my questions about this are all going to be answered. And I get to see Chris Messina in a speedo.
You are welcome.
Oh boy, I pretty much forgot about the Bible Study thing for a moment there. So Mindy’s Bible study. She had wine, and a banner, a nativity, and there was food, and weird paintings of Jesus (both black and white Jesus) and she was playing Amy Grant for mood music. It was actually kind of fun looking:
This is what I imagine my Bible study being like.
Then I told my coworkers about this and they told me that Mindy was lying. That isn’t what a Bible study was. And where I was a little concerned that Mindy was not telling me the truth … I still got to see Chris Messina in speedos. (Bright side of life… right?) Then I was told in their Bible Study they don’t even study the Bible… they just like meet as a group and discuss life, or how to be successful in relationships, and stuff.
And I was like…. WHAT?!??? No multi-racial Jesus pictures? No wine? No Amy Grant?
Bible study is just people hanging out… I guess.
And well even though the whole meeting and discussing life thing is super great….I think the title is misleading, it should be called something else. Like religious people of liked mind’s. But I think that may sound scarier than it actually is. Anyways, I totally know what “Bible Study” is now. Now to go uncover other truths about things!
I am stressed, my hair is turning white. I am drinking 2 sodas a week. And umm.. I can’t think of a third thing…. but I’m sure that it’s happening… and that it is on the equivalent of 2 sodas bad.
I guess I have been too busy. But that doesn’t really excuse me, because a lot of my joy is sharing silliness with people. In a strange was it is what calms me. And right now I totally need this before I start work-related-crying. (I have been redoing the same project every other hour for the last 15 work hours… and none of the printers are working and… my head is about to explode.)
So I took a moment during my lunch break to color a few things and this is one of them.
Because I am such an odd bird, I don’t really think this drawing needs much context… because well this kind of stuff happens to me… a lot:
It’s been one of those days. Just hand me my spotted wings.
Viciously Sweet 