Some people have relationships and all sorts of other ships.
I being a bit on the awkward side would like to take this time to announce that I don’t really do well in relationships… mostly because I have only have a makeshift raft of relations:
It stays afloat and everything… but it has no sides… it’s not really going to protect you from the water or sharks or anything. Actually it isn’t really helpful unless you need to be marooned on Gilligan’s Island… or you want to hang out with Tom Sawyer and Jim…
I think those last 2 sentences alone explain why I have a relation-raft.
Also the fact that today I am so excited to be able to stay at home by myself… explains a lot of it too. I mean I’ve just had something to do every night for the last 2 weeks… and tonight screams “Let’s wear sweatpants and watch romantic comedies while you illustrate.”
Any who happy Wednesday!
And how does everybody keep their relationships/rafts/buckets afloat?
I have always found the ladies of yesteryear amazing. Be they someone’s awesome grandma, a movie star, a was hero, a writer, or a pin up girl. My favorite things to read about them are always when they reflect on their life and their careers. They always seem to have it figured out, because they have been through it all, and lived it up. And also that is when people say crazy things like “Alfred Hitchcock stalked me.”~ Paraphrased Tippi Hedren. I suppose it’s because they realize the best things to be are honest… because it’s what happened after all. And why should they be afraid to be truthful? Also seriously Tippi Hedren… I’m sorry about Hitchcock… he was all sorts of creepy.
I get carried up in that story about Tippi sometimes, because most girls have been in that situation. Even in modern times. A superior who is all hands… Gross.
Now another one of those ladies who figured it out and lived it up was Bettie Page. Now I have always understood her to a certain degree. She not only has totally rad bangs like me (I’m going to say I never copied her bang style. I have actually had bangs since I have had hair.) She was really mischievous… and I have been called that a few times (a week.) And people are super crazy about her, (sometimes in an unsettling way) without ever taking the time to understand her as a person, not a visual object.
But don’t worry I won’t get too much into that. I’m here to celebrate the good. One thing I have always like about her is she always seemed to be having fun, and making the most out of anywhere she was.
Pretending to be attacked by a tree… happy.
Sitting with leopards.. happy.
In weird plastic-y outfits… happy.
Being straight up naked… happy
Wouldn’t it be great to be that happy all the time? I think so.
Well one of my favorite quotes from her is super important for both boys, girls, and people who like to be happy near trees (in or out of clothes):
Thank you for being you Bettie.
I have always liked that quote, it’s simple and true. Be yourself and never apologize for it. You will thank yourself for it someday.
Also.. bangs are fantastic, they may be why both Bettie and I are so happy… it’s just a theory.
i feel like some Gwen Stefani right now without spectacular abs…
My life has been like super crazy hectic lately.
I don’t know when it happened… But my boring drawing-in-my-pajamas-lifestyle is disappearing.
And it’s being replaced by the life of someone who to keep dates straight… has a calendar.
A CALENDAR for crying out loud!
I now have to know when dates of the week are… and well that has never been one of my strong points. And then I have to remind myself to not doodle over days on said calendar.
And for a first time calendar user. I can tell you I’m not super into it. It’s severely cramping my lifestyle. I’ve always relied on being an “artist” and just wafting all about… like one day I’m here next day I’m some place else. Following my proverbial sun to wherever I need to go….
Will I call you back? Will you see me before the seasons change? The world may never know.
And now there are schedules, and deadlines. And for some reason… I just seem to keep failing at all of them.
Meet you here at this time? I’m either super early, or nope… I forgot this and now we have to reschedule…
And now I’m stressed out. And the only way I can de-stress is to make light of my last week of failures.
and now without fail….
Lauren’s week of Blunders:
– Losing my pants… where did they go? I have no idea. But the weather is changing and I don’t want to wear tights under my dresses everyday. This is not practical. I’m about to put out a flyer looking for them.
– Forgetting how calendars work… why are we arguing about days of the week??? Because I was looking in the wrong month. Yeah, I am not used to calendars.
– Falling to the earth for no apparent reason while standing and talking to my mother. She probably thinks I was drunk. Every time I do something strange she assumes both alcohol & drugs.
– The always dangerous, the dress you are wearing is see through… And now everyone has seen your superman underpants. Why do dresses not seem sheer when you are trying them on? Why do superman underpants show through everything?
-Everything I have done at work… I mean EVERYTHING! Any time I try to do things the right way… and I end up crying… and my boss has not been super nice to me lately either. I have contemplated becoming a gypsy and a hot dog attendant at weinerschnitzel several times in the last week. Or a combination of the two “Gypsyschnitzel” has a great appeal to it. I imagine a lot of tambourines and sauerkraut.
– I also can’t find my sneakers and think there is conspiracy happening… where did one pants and one shoe go to? I’m thinking Jack White stole them…. and I can’t explain why.
-And everything pertaining to relationships (part of my need for a calendar) Apparently people get upset when you tell them… you have no time for them.
I’m done with my blunders… Okay this all seems kinda negative.
So onto some positive things
– I have been doodling more lately… which is better than all the nothing I was drawing last month.
-New TV is on and by that I mean… “The Mindy Project” & “Parks & Recreation”. I seem to watch nothing else.
-My internet adds are all for new shoes and yeti merchandise.
-I’m getting pizza in a few minutes and I feel like this:
If someone hired a private eye to find out all my secrets they would probably be legit bored with their findings. So they also should say in their contract that the Private Eye must sing “Private Eyes” by Hall & Oates to make this deal lucrative in any way:
And today in all my giggly boredom. I have decided to wiki-leak myself.
Now why would I do that?
Because well, this is one of my most fascinating secrets:
I have so many toys with weird joint locations and animals I cannot even fathom what they are… and even something called a zwinky.
That is all.
And if you already knew this…. I already said my confessions were probably boring. But I do have a crazy awesome collection of incredibly lame toys. They both fascinate, inspire and terrify me all at the same time. For example this thing:
Stomach face toy of yesteryear. Oh the memories of scaring Isabel with this!
Until my next cool confession, you go ahead make a few calzones and have a great day!
Today I’m going to share a little bit about American history. And by that I mean you will learn very little about American History if you continue reading.
It’s actually about one of my latest favorite things.
And much like me, they are a little on the peculiar side. And they keep coming up in such strange ways.
One of them is Alexander Hamilton.
Alexander Hamilton… just chilling like he does on the $10 bill
Yeah, that guy from American money.
And no I’m not like that guy from the milk commercial, I’m not that super into Hamilton.
I mean seriously, there is something so serious about the straight up coolness of Alexander Hamilton. He was a major political figure who was born in the West Indies, and was sadly orphaned at 11. He grew up into a fancy gentleman that steamily created our National Bank system. And if you aren’t already sold on his hot face, and steamy bank system… He also created his own political party… I mean we would never have had the Federalists. And aren’t they fantastic? He was also a political rival of Thomas-All-The-Ladies-Were-Hot-For-Him-Jefferson. He didn’t even give a crap when he was supposed to support another Federalist running for government positions, he wouldn’t support them if he thought they were the worst. And kind of because of this… he was shot in New York in a fight, because he’s cool like that. And true story, he is the hottest guy on American money.
Seriously.
I mean with Ben Franklin and Andrew Jackson as your peers… Hamilton pretty much has this on lock.
My sister says she prefers Grant. But, come on look at Hamilton on that 10 note. He is just asking for you to pay someone a large amount of money in 10s so you can say you are paying them handsomely. Actually, this is a new goal of mine.
And now I know I’m right because there is others who agree with me.
Mindy Kaling, queen of all that she surveys-and-being-a-hot-mess, agrees with me:
See Mindy agrees!
So basically I feel vindicated as heck.
And here’s the doodle I have used to commemorate this entire event.
This is some of the things that Mindy and I have in common… we can talk about this for hours.
Did you learn anything?
No?
Sorry, I’m not a real history teacher.
But now you know that Alexander Hamilton is amazing.
And now that you too are super into Hamilton you can get this commemorative bobble-head.
It’s a super great piece to add to any Alexander Hamilton collection. Available via Amazon, and places that sell exquisite things.
I promised to update because well there is always a lot of silliness in my life.
And I’m going to try to be super positive.
So bear with me.
And no, not literally a bear.
I am going to tell you a story of how I became a 27 year-old who seems really smart but also at the same time appears to know nothing.
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So when I was a kid, all I liked to do is read and make art. And then I grew up and I discovered like to read and make art.
I even chose to go to an all girls Catholic High School, because it had a better curriculum than the school near my house. I mean that is something teenage girls would pick… right? I know now that no teenage girl would probably pick to go to an all girls Catholic School, over a school littered with boys who wear their pants incorrectly. But I was a nerd who worked at a library, and this seemed like a sound decision to me. So basically, I was a teenager who read a lot and learned very little about boys.
I went to prom with a super wonderful gay friend, who danced with me to “Love Shack” by the B-52s. We giggled about music, and how he was an artist. And other than that, I was basically a teenage shut-in. Preparing for being a gown up, who had a job… and could freely draw chickens or whatever I wanted to draw whenever I wanted to draw. And basically I was going to live life in an exciting city like “Caroline in the City” and everything was just going to work out. I mean sitcoms are practically real… right? And well, at the time I was more concerned with learning and making really great lasting relationships with my bffs. Also, I was really into seeing punk rock bands, and buying all my accessories at Claires. Basically, from the stories people tell about me from being a teenager I was basically the Ferris Bueller of the middle class Catholic School world, making my own parties, and being asked to go on zany adventures from boys who would check out books from the library.
And I went to a college to get a degree, because I liked my brain smarts. I never really thought about relationships because well I was just a decent looking short girl… who was incredibly awkward with people in general, let alone cute guys. And so it went on like that. I would occasionally have a boyfriend, and then I wouldn’t…. and it never really meant much to me either way.
But now that I am a girl in my late 20s and kind of have it mostly together work wise. I realize maybe I should try to find someone who likes to go to museums and laugh at old NBC comedies like I do. (This is where I want to put in my TRL like shout out to “Wings” and “Scrubs”.) And also I should probably go out more, because although my pets are great company they never seem to comprehend British humor. But now when I do strike into the world I find it hard to go out with anyone who isn’t more interested in my boobs, and or bragging that they are with someone who has boobs… I really just am not getting any of this. These guys are supposed to have evolved from this, I mean they are in their late 20s and early 30s. In fact, even just trying to share a story about working in a library before my office job constantly brings up comments about “sexy librarians” or mentioning where I went to highs school results in “do you still have the school uniform”?
And like, ew. Even though every girl likes to feel a little spicy hot sometimes. Please don’t make yourself sound like you are a weird pervert when i first meet you. I mean, I don’t ask if you still have the McDonald’s uniform. And I have never asked if fries could come with that shake…
So finally. Eww.
And the moral of the story is, I am so spectacularly bad at dating that I think I could make a sitcom about it. And my last few dates have literally made me think that becoming a shut-in or the world’s first architect/nun would be a thrilling way to spend the rest of my days.
I’m just going to return to my books now where no one will be rude or creepy…. to me. Also Parks & Recreation isn’t going to watch itself….
It’s Tuesday. My project is late, and of course the printer isn’t working.
There is are only 2 things I can do
1. Play Musical Printers and Try to get this drawing printed for my boss in the next 20 minutes.
2. Join the Circus
The silliest answer is the one I would most happily choose. Then people could discuss it when I don’t show up tomorrow. I can just imagine it….
Shocked Coworker #1: “Where is Lauren?”
Shocked Coworker #2: “She isn’t in? Did you wait longer for her to show up… she’s always late.”
Observant Coworker: “She left all her drawings, and the metal scale next to a strawberry stained note saying she’s left for the circus”
A hush spreads over the room.
Shocked Coworker #1: “She left food in the fridge. It’s mine.”
And then much like the conclusion to the tv series LOST, I will never be discussed again in the valleys of San Gabriel.
I will leave behind a hummingbird feeder, and assorted doodles of cats. I will take everything else… For my chic new gypsy wagon.
I would miss my big girl bed, and of course wi-fi. But I can always loiter at some circus adjacent starbucks after I master my new circus-y skill.
What would that skill be??? Well, I don’t really know. I don’t think I would trust me as a tightrope walker, or a juggler of swords. I could probably sit on an elephant like a champion. I am good at waving and climbing… so Elephant sitter on-er it is!
Let’s go with that thought… Lauren the Elephant Sitter. I would sell literally dozens of tickets.
Maybe I should stay with Architecture a little while longer.
Circus dreams
Happy Tuesday everyone. I hope your printers are working with gusto.
The anticipation for this is incredible… isn’t it?
This past week I have been presented with things that I am so not into. I mean like legitimately made me laugh with how bad they truly are. And it made me think about things I don’t understand to the fact that I would say that I don’t like them, and would totally give them a thumbs down if I were on like a reality that gives thumbs down as an answer. I would be the nice judge, with incredible hair, who would have to give the thumbs down sometimes. And here are some of the following things my thumb would be pointing at the floor about:
Michael Bolton’s song “Can I touch you there?”
I am not one of those people who bashes people because they are not “cool.” I enjoy many “uncool” things, unironically even. And Michael Bolton may I say… has a fantastic voice, he has a voice that can sing almost anything. But this song… this song may be one of the worst things that has happened to the world. What happens when you add pan flutes, and a wraspy middle age man dressed like Model-T creator Henry Ford on vacation in the Amazon asking if he can touch you? Besides a highly specific nightmare for a traveling enthusiast after the terrifying combination of far too much world music, and falling asleep reading an inflight magazine. Well you get this song, and its corresponding video. And just in case you are curious… this song is powerful. It can ruin any situation. Do you want to ruin a romantic mood? You want someone to leave alone? Do you want your dentist to stop cleaning your teeth mid appointment to change the music station to something less creepy. Just play this song.
Strange Compliments
I don’t like when guys that you are not friends with give you strange and highly specific “compliments.” Like that your pants elongate your legs. Especially when this person should not be noticing your legs or anything about you for any reason. The thought of certain people staring at my clothes long enough to realize my legs look elongated in them makes me want to gag… big time. And much to their surprise does not whip me into a verbal frenzy. So they failed in many areas that there were trying to not fail in, in one statement.
I realized I don’t want to feel elongated.
The constant news reporting on anything Jennifer Anniston does
I am going to admit here that I read trashy supermarket magazines, albeit 2 months later when my sister is throwing them out and gives them to me in an over-sized plastic target bag. And when I tear into the meaty tales of Kardashian blood letting, and Hugh Jackman walking his dog… I am so sad when I see these ridiculous articles spun out of 1 really bad photo of Jennifer Aniston. Now, as someone who is not photogenic, photographers could have a field day with me if I were famous. (Lauren eats fish tacos to mask her sadness, would be a great story and would literally sell millions of magazines.) But the last photo I saw of her was her crying in her really expensive car after visiting the construction of her house, really took the cake. The article was 3 pages about what a horrible person/bridezilla she was and that she’s ruining Justin Theroux’s life (you know the cowboy from Romy & Michele) with her constant nagging and fretting… And all I could think of is in the world of architecture I have never see anybody react well when you tell them their project is delayed or that it’s overbudget. Or if it happens to be both, you may actually get them yelling at you. So I mean what was her reaction supposed to be? It was actually nice to me that she went to cry about it in her car, instead of throwing a fit and going off on the architect or the construction foreman. Was she supposed to hug them like she was just called to be the next contestant on the “price is right” after news of delays and budget problems? And does anybody know people who handle over budget and lateness like they just won a fabulous pricing game? If so I would like to be their designer, because when I finish on time and on budget I’m sure this person would be so happy they’d pay for me to have my own custom house, and for my masters, and for at least two pairs of unnecessary earrings.
I have a feeling if I were a super hero… I would make leaving Jennifer Aniston alone as one of my priorities. Can she not do anything without a million people knowing?
This thing I keep Hearing about Thigh Gaps
I am going to start as a preface that everyone should be proud of their bodies. And if you are naturally skinny… go for you! Wear really artsy clothes and be joyous. But, personally I am not skinny and I try to keep “gaping” as the least likely description of me. There is nothing on me I want to say is a “gap”. I do not want to bridge it, I do not want to fall into it, I do not want celebrities to sing about the great deals on vests they could get at it. Maybe I’m comfortable with my thighs that I aptly call “Wonder Woman thighs.” And find this whole you should have a large brooding gap between your legs. And actually I need you to focus more on this gap thing, apply that to any body part and I’m sure you can understand how I feel. How about this statement “Dang did you see Denise’s gaping front teeth”? “I’m so envious of Sylvia’s arm to body gap… she can literally hold a small chicken betwixt those two things.” “Edna’s legs are so far apart from each-other she could smuggle a Christmas ham during a marathon.” Let’s just say no to this. And actually if your body is like this, I’m not going to say anything else about it, except please don’t take pictures of your gap with the sunset betwixt it. Actually no one should do that… ever.
The continent bridging thigh gap distance is the most coveted of all gaps.
I hope that was just enough joyous yet curmudgeonly complaints for the day. I hope you go out to the world and investigate some of the things you are just not getting either…
Viciously Sweet 