Book Smarts and the Single Girl

11 Sep

Hi internet,

I promised to update because well there is always a lot of silliness in my life.

And I’m going to try to be super positive.

So bear with me.

And no, not literally a bear.

I am going to tell you a story of how I became a 27 year-old who seems really smart but also at the same time appears to know nothing.

—————————————♥♥♥—————————————

So when I was a kid, all I liked to do is read and make art. And then I grew up and I discovered  like to read and make art.

I even chose to go to an all girls Catholic High School, because it had a better curriculum than the school near my house. I mean that is something teenage girls would pick… right? I know now that no teenage girl would probably pick to go to an all girls Catholic School, over a school littered with boys who wear their pants incorrectly. But I was a nerd who worked at a library, and this seemed like a sound decision to me. So basically, I was a teenager who read a lot and learned very little about boys.

I went to prom with a super wonderful gay friend, who danced with me to “Love Shack” by the B-52s. We giggled about music, and how he was an artist. And  other than that, I was basically a teenage shut-in. Preparing for being a gown up, who had a job… and could freely draw chickens or whatever I wanted to draw whenever I wanted to draw. And basically I was going to live life in an exciting city like “Caroline in the City”  and everything was just going to work out. I mean sitcoms are practically real… right? And well, at the time I was more concerned with learning and making really great lasting relationships with my bffs. Also, I was really into seeing punk rock bands, and buying all my accessories at Claires. Basically, from the stories people tell about me from being a teenager I was basically the Ferris Bueller of the middle class Catholic School world, making my own parties, and being asked to go on zany adventures from boys who would check out books from the library.

And I went to a college to get a degree, because I liked my brain smarts. I never really thought about relationships because well I was just a decent looking short girl… who was incredibly awkward with people in general, let alone cute guys. And so it went on like that. I would occasionally have a boyfriend, and then I wouldn’t…. and it never really meant much to me either way.

But now that I am a girl in my late 20s and kind of have it mostly together work wise. I realize maybe I should try to find someone who likes to go to museums and laugh at old NBC comedies like I do. (This is where I want to put in my TRL like shout out to “Wings” and “Scrubs”.)  And also I should probably go out more, because although my pets are great company they never seem to comprehend British humor. But now when I do strike into the world I find it hard to go out with anyone who isn’t more interested in my boobs, and or bragging that they are with someone who has boobs… I really just am not getting any of this. These guys are supposed to have evolved from this, I mean they are in their late 20s and early 30s. In fact, even just trying to share a story about working in a library before my office job constantly brings up comments about “sexy librarians” or mentioning where I went to highs school results in “do you still have the school uniform”?

And like, ew. Even though every girl likes to feel a little spicy hot sometimes. Please don’t make yourself sound like you are a weird pervert when i first meet you. I mean, I don’t ask if you still have the McDonald’s uniform. And I have never asked if fries could come with that shake…

So finally. Eww.

And the moral of the story is, I am so spectacularly bad at dating that I think I could make a sitcom about it. And my last few dates have literally made me think that becoming a shut-in or the world’s first architect/nun would be a thrilling way to spend the rest of my days.

I’m just going to return to my books now where no one will be rude or creepy…. to me. Also Parks & Recreation isn’t going to watch itself….

♥Lauren

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10 Responses to “Book Smarts and the Single Girl”

  1. Ruby Tuesday September 11, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

    There’s this great quote from the movie “Divorce American Style” — “Since when do boys grow up, they just get older.”

    I have found this is pretty much universal truth.

    • Viciously Sweet September 12, 2013 at 8:46 am #

      Oh I know. And what I didn’t want to include in this post was that this last guy told me a few days later his ex was coming into town.
      So I was like “Yay for you… I’m outta here.”

      • Ruby Tuesday September 13, 2013 at 12:42 am #

        Good glory! Well, the ex may have saved you a few days of giving him a chance — or a few hours, more likely, you’re a smart lady and it sounds like he had pretty much already taken himself out of the running. Or sent you running, more accurately.

        I frequently tell my 13-year-old (who fortunately is pretty level-headed when it comes to boys), “I wish I could tell you that they get better as they get older. I wish I could.” ;)

      • Viciously Sweet September 13, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

        I guess so. I mean I am sorta lucky in this instance.

        And also your story reminds me of some advice I received before. I remember hearing this advice from my doctor when I was a teenager, after he was on the phone with his son.
        “Always remember… all boys are liars.”

  2. La La September 12, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    Ok, you weren’t kidding. We really do have a lot in common haha. The all girls Catholic School…I get embarrassed thinking about how bad my first steps into the dating world really were. Between the two of us we would have enough stories for a few seasons of that sitcom. No joke. Also, the uniform thing, guys end up sounding creepy every time. However, I do think you should ask for fries with the shake because YUM.

    • Viciously Sweet September 12, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

      I think we should start writing it!
      One time I literally had to try to get someone talking by saying how much I like bendy straws… As opposed to other straws.
      And I mean I am awkward too, I may have told one date that he should dress like a “hot gladiator” for Halloween. But in my defense we were in a Halloween store… and he had already pointed out the underwear version of Cleopatra I should wear.
      So maybe I will start getting weirdly complimentary too. Ooooh, you once were a themepark ride technician??? Ooooh so technical.
      I may have to work on that :)

    • Ruby Tuesday September 13, 2013 at 12:53 am #

      Hi! Sticking my nose in to say I think you two should collaborate on some sort of dating advice blog where you could share all of your own fun exploits (well, perhaps “fun” isn’t the right word) and help out poor lost single girls everywhere. I loved “Ask Lala”, and Lauren squared would just be too amazingly incredible. You’re both sweet, adorable, intelligent, beautiful, empowered women, and you’re both fantastically engaging writers. You have potential power that it would be absolutely criminal to let go to waste!

      Sticking my nose back out now. :)

      • Viciously Sweet September 13, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

        I like the idea of Lauren squared. So much Lauren power could be unleashed!

      • La La September 13, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

        I would absolutely LOVE to collaborate with Lauren. I shall be in contact madam. :)

      • Viciously Sweet September 13, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

        I happily await it. This could be a beautiful thing… and I’m thinking some illustrious illustrations shall be derived from this!

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