A Viciously Sweet Guide to the Holidays

22 Dec

I will be the first to tell you I am the luckiest girl pretty much ever. Every day I am surrounded by my super fabulous family and deliciously awesome friends, and since I care not about my awkward-ness I will talk to anyone at anytime (usually about 30 Rock) but I digress. There is usually nothing that can rain on my lady parade…  Except there is a thing that happens a this time of year that people call the Holidays… and although I am all for sweet tiny baby Jesus and staring at Isabel, and all the beautiful lights… I am not down for all the non-magic of the “Holidays.”

Firstly, all those wonderful fabulous people you adore all year-long turn into crazies during the Holiday Season. Where they will on a drop of a hat go bat-sh*t crazy all over your face for putting a snow man decoration in the wrong place, or taking artistic liberties with sugar cookies. Now even strangers who will usually send a hello and a smile your way will literally slash your tires, because you want to park your car near a store that they want to buy some sort of moose shaped cheese, or underpants for their significant otter.

 

I find this aggressiveness hard to deal with since my usual response is to shut down and disarm people who have tilted to madness on the crazy scale. There is something about this cut-you-in-the-face-and-then-give-a-hug time of year that makes me want to retreat unto myself, and hide until all the people and things are normal.

Another thing that totally blows about the holidays besides that fact that you actually have to spend time outside your tent of solitude is… dealing with people you don’t like. Seriously, maybe the reason we don’t see each other 98% of the year is because we don’t get along. And even though I can try to find something nice about you, maybe your complete lack of maybe even being a human makes this hard. And maybe I will just eat a gingerbread cookie and cry inside while you are around instead of telling you, because this is the time of “togetherness”.

Now I’m not all about complaining without trying to figure out a solution (this is my kind of science)… So what can we do about this? I have been told by friends, and family that actually hiding in a tent in my parents backyard may not be the answer-

So I have come up with 3 fabulous conclusions:

 

1. Maybe it’s time to dawn a fluffy hat, or fake eyelashes, or even develop a RuPaul fixation… anything you can use as a crutch to get you through this time:

I'm going to be all Jolly Hollers!

2. I’m also thinking that I may try to interpretive dance until everyone leaves me alone. Because there is only so long one can see you “feel” the music like that one super wasted lady at any concert.

 

 

3. This is the one I always try the hardest at… stop caring. My sister tells me this every year. And every year I fail, and end up crying covered in tamale fixings while watching a Sandra Bullock movie. But this year I’m dedicated…Oh the roast needs to be put in? Um I think I’m going to go watch Spongebob, because he doesn’t yell at me for putting up twinkle lights when obviously the stair banister wants multicolored lights.

 

Have a fun Holiday time everyone. Please don’t cut me.

♫LAUREN

 

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4 Responses to “A Viciously Sweet Guide to the Holidays”

  1. disseminatedthought December 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    Be sure to smear Christmas pudding all over yourself with jazz hands while you are doing your interpretive dance.

    • Viciously Sweet December 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      This sounds most brilliant. That sounds perfect for “Private Eyes.”

  2. Lafemmeroar December 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

    lol, this post is hilarious … I never thought i’d read tamales and Sandra Bullock in the same sentence and think it funny … but you pulled it off :)

    • Viciously Sweet January 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

      This comment makes me feel all sort of accomplished.

      I swear I already replied to your post but apparently my phone has not been connecting to the “real” internet and just lying to me that I’m responding.

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