Storytime with Lauren

Simply Charming

| Viciously Sweet

I am currently fighting the funky fog that rolled into my noggin.

To combat the funk, I have been trying to absorb fun and happiness, like a plant in Norway struggling with photosynthesis in the dark Norwegian winter. Lately, since most things have not been working, I have been listening to some of my favorite songs (on repeat, Sorry Dab)… one of my absolute favorite songs is “Natural Woman” from Aretha Franklin. I used to run around as a child singing every where, much to the chagrin of my Grandmother and parents, and casual strangers. Once there were some old ladies at the market that told my grandmother it was not an appropriate song for a 4 year old to be singing, and she told them I was a child who had “soul”.

For some reason when I hear that song, I feel like I can do anything… and I want to run around in a pink power suit with a beehive as tall as nature will let me, and sing this song in every key except the appropriate one:

Shout out to my homie/ 1960s dream fashion twin- diva category:

Now usually, all my problems can be quickly resolved by ignoring the world and watching girly movies. But as of late, it isn’t working as well as I had hoped. So I switched from just “watching” and decided it’s time to “work” on myself. Basically, if my life were one of those girly movies, right now I would be in the cool montage scene. I’m learning about life, taking great advice from my friends in the areas of their expertise. And I won’t say I haven’t had a few setbacks, but everything is coming up roses for me lately. I have been studying hard, and trying to better my standings in the world and my work place, and being fashionable while doing these things! Hello there, Architectural license tests I’m coming for you! And when I find the right Matt Flamhaff (in the right timeline) I will be well on my way to being 30, flirty and thriving!

I really wanted to find the Clueless-Cher-Soul-Changing montage but, I couldn’t find it… And since I feel very akin to Jenna Rink, she is always a great example for how I feel. Anyways, I would like to thank my friends for being really great, and giving me wonderful advice that I will treasure forever. I will be out of my fog soon, I can just feel it! I just want to say all of my great friends out there, and “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin have made me realize:

But, I would be nothing, without all the great people in my life… you give me soul.

♥ Lauren

The Snail Mail of Joy!

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A few moons ago I made a fun and funky fresh doodle of Jen from one of the best blogs ever Sips of Jen and Tonic, because she had inspired a new dream for me. Apparently when Jen saw her doodle it filled her days with joy and raptors:

The doodle actually changed her life in a “Amelie” like way. And through a series of events dispensing her own variety of justice, and dancing through the lush forests of Oregon with a gnome she lovingly calls Giuseppe. Jen decided to spread her new found doodle related joy by sending a little bit of her Tonic splendor down to this very Lauren, in the South of California.

So this little letter filled with ultimate happiness slid all the way down El Camino Real, and and landed at the right foot of my mailman. So excited that he wasn’t just delivering magazines and petsmart coupons, my mailman was on a divine quest to send a rare actual piece of mail. After standing tall with the letter in his hand he exclaimed to the sky, “Lauren needs this immediately” and waited until I got home to hand me this little friend:

And I was so excited, because that envelope was full of presents… and Lauren’s ♥ Presents!:

I felt like a child on the morning of Christmas, except this was an UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS! So I decided to (jon) hamm it up with my new prize:

And to following my childish joy I decided to make like a teen show starring Ben Savage, and Introduce “Jen to the World”. So I showed her off to the fake Chicago in my room:

And then I tried to introduce her to my Norton the cat, but… He was very busy doing cat things:

You know how cats are. So I send you a doodle thanks for totally making my day:

And yes friendship to me means matching sailor outfits…

♥ & lollipops,
LAUREN

Going to the Doctors & Being a Mutant w/ Lauren

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Today I have to go to the doctor, and much like everyone in the entire universe… I never want to go to there, because its the worst.

There is nothing wrong with me, and no one to my knowledge is putting me in the nice crazy house, but still I don’t want to go.

It’s mostly because if I am away from my computer, I’m not inclined to sit there staring into my phone in the waiting room. I usually choose to draw or read a tangible book, which in a waiting room makes the eyes glare upon you like you are dressed in medieval costume on a bus crazy. Try it sometime, and you will discover those prying eyes make you  practically a waiting room mutant. Then coyly (socially awkward style in reality) I glance back at them, and even their 3 year old kids are on iphones and tablets… or playing with life size Mr. Belvedere robots… seriously.

But, I digress… I think this whole waiting room conundrum could be fixed if doctors were more fun:

I’m getting ready to go sit and wait.

♫Lauren

Hi, I’m the weird girl!

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I have been procrastinating on writing my speech for my sister’s wedding. As her maid of honor , and only person in her wedding party…Yes, that is right I am the party!

Back to my speech procrastinating… My dad has had his speech written for weeks. And as my mother lovingly threatened that she wants to hear this speech before I tell everyone at the reception that me and my sister like to watch Maury Povich’s “Baby Daddy” episodes, talk with  Jennifer Lopez accent when we want to make fun of each other, and enjoy wrapping our hair around our face to pretend to have a mustache… but then again who doesn’t do that stuff?

Last night I was stressing about the words I would say to wish my sister well. And then as I started to write them my mother told me this golden nugget:

“Remember not every one gets your humor.”

Also "EEP ORK RIBBY RIBBY"

I just would like to say that the time for weird girls is upon us. Actually, it’s also cool for the gents too… I mean Tina Fey, Gonzo the Muppet, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon, Zooey Deschanel, Margaret Thatcher… The world is crazy for those goobers.

Also, thanks mom you always know what to say.

♫Lauren

Introducing: Seductive Maple Tree

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Did you know that sometimes I like to tease my friends?

True story. Sometimes I pretend they are in love with high-profile celebrities. Sometimes I use their own words against them. Sometimes, I like to make up countries and non-hostile Canadian takeovers to make my point.

Created to be a Southern Canadian Alternative* to Provocative Cactus (*When Canada non-hostile style takes over Mexico, and re-names the land South Canada) I bring to you Seductive Maple Tree:

Doesn’t her red leaf boa flip your lid? How about her come-hither stare? She is truly a beacon of hope for a nation! She is practically like the new lady liberty. She brings Mounties, and syrup to you Mexico!

* EDITORS NOTE: I acknowledge that this post makes me seem totally insane, but what can you do? If South Canada ever becomes a thing though, I will totally be a prophet.

Also, this is how I think the map will work out:

♫Lauren

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Tendrils

| Viciously Sweet

Hello there internet!

I have been really busy, with being the maid of honor to my sister and her quickly approaching wedding. Seriously, its like 10 days to that thing and I’m running around like a bull in the streets of Pamplona…But, that doesn’t mean I should neglect you. I think today I’m going to tell you a story that could make any girl relate.

You know when you are just trying to have a good time, and you put a little extra effort into looking nice, and you feel like a million bucks (that’s a lot of deer’s, btw.)  And then you realize you are in the presence of an avid drinker of Haterade, their favorite flavor in this case, “Rain on Lauren’s dreams”. Well not too long ago I found myself in this situation, and I was not as drunk as I wish I could have been to have to be around this person.

I decided that with a little help of the B.F.F. I could completely ignore this person. I mean like totally ignore them, like a  CBS comedy. So then as my luck so has it, I found myself not 10 minutes later in a conversation that includes this certain person… Shoot me in the face, right? And then much like the 1993 hit of Tag Team, “whoomp, there it is” an insult out of nowhere.

“OMG. Her hair is a weave.” And that her mentioned… was me!

Just like that, like its just a fact. I was so insulted, that I really had no response. I touched my not fake hair and felt a little bitter pang. Ouch, usually I don’t put a lot of effort into myself. But I put my hair in hot rollers that day. Hot Rollers!!! I was trying to look nice!!! And then I thought if I had RuPaul was actually my fairy god mother, she would have all the words to make me feel better at that moment… all the wisdom I so desperately needed. I think she would have told this person to “Sashay away, and untuck back stage.”

Sashay away! Courtesy of: RuPaul's Drag Race Tumblr!

But this time, I really did the right thing, I think. I responded, “My hair is real, thanks.” And I ended it, I dropped the conversation and really felt like a big girl. And left to bigger and better conversations… (So I later OMG’d about it with my friends, and told my sister*, but in the moment… acted I totally acted like an adult.)

But, I’m not so much an adult that I also didn’t take the time to draw about  it:

I just used hot rollers, thanks for your casual hatred!

And I realized that this person and I shall never be friends, and that is WAY OKAY with me. I could say something like I learned to be a better person because of this situation. But I really just realized I like myself, and I’m so glad I don’t have to be in Horsetown with that Naysayer all the time! So you know what, I’m going to go on being 5 feet of tangible sunshine over here. And next time I will have a guard Kenneth with me:

Haters to the left, indeed!

♫Lauren

*Side Note: Now my sister wants a weave.

2012: A Year of Joy, Stupidity and Raptors

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Jolly Hollers Internet,

It’s a brand new year. I know people are running down the streets claiming to be changed people, just because as Andre 3000 would say “the year is so fresh, and so clean-clean of their previous errors.”

I am not the kind of person who does that whole resolution thing, because I have the world’s shortest attention plan,  I usually procrastinate so long that I find myself making resolutions in May. I actually like to try to make promises to myself on my birthday to make changes in my life, because unlike those people who plan their babies to be born on January 1st to win a motorcycle. My new year starts November 16, and when I make birthday goals, they are usually just fun, for example giggle as much as humanly possible- Now I giggle in my sleep, true story.

Well this year I read something that Amy Poehler said and it makes me think I should make a resolution to have more fun than ever before, and enjoy all the things that are just the best,

“Boys and girls—no one looks stupid when they’re having fun.”

I love it so much, I think this may be my new life motto.

So that weird thing you want to do… I’m in, if its fun.

And there is nothing I have more fun doing than making doodles so without any further hesitation…I present you the years first magnificent doodle:

Fun Fact: Raptors Are most Joyous when they are eating your face.

I hope 2012 s so great that we all feel like our faces are being eaten by raptors.

♫Lauren

Also good luck to all you resolution makers… I hope you succeed like crazy.

A Viciously Sweet Guide to the Holidays

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I will be the first to tell you I am the luckiest girl pretty much ever. Every day I am surrounded by my super fabulous family and deliciously awesome friends, and since I care not about my awkward-ness I will talk to anyone at anytime (usually about 30 Rock) but I digress. There is usually nothing that can rain on my lady parade…  Except there is a thing that happens a this time of year that people call the Holidays… and although I am all for sweet tiny baby Jesus and staring at Isabel, and all the beautiful lights… I am not down for all the non-magic of the “Holidays.”

Firstly, all those wonderful fabulous people you adore all year-long turn into crazies during the Holiday Season. Where they will on a drop of a hat go bat-sh*t crazy all over your face for putting a snow man decoration in the wrong place, or taking artistic liberties with sugar cookies. Now even strangers who will usually send a hello and a smile your way will literally slash your tires, because you want to park your car near a store that they want to buy some sort of moose shaped cheese, or underpants for their significant otter.

 

I find this aggressiveness hard to deal with since my usual response is to shut down and disarm people who have tilted to madness on the crazy scale. There is something about this cut-you-in-the-face-and-then-give-a-hug time of year that makes me want to retreat unto myself, and hide until all the people and things are normal.

Another thing that totally blows about the holidays besides that fact that you actually have to spend time outside your tent of solitude is… dealing with people you don’t like. Seriously, maybe the reason we don’t see each other 98% of the year is because we don’t get along. And even though I can try to find something nice about you, maybe your complete lack of maybe even being a human makes this hard. And maybe I will just eat a gingerbread cookie and cry inside while you are around instead of telling you, because this is the time of “togetherness”.

Now I’m not all about complaining without trying to figure out a solution (this is my kind of science)… So what can we do about this? I have been told by friends, and family that actually hiding in a tent in my parents backyard may not be the answer-

So I have come up with 3 fabulous conclusions:

 

1. Maybe it’s time to dawn a fluffy hat, or fake eyelashes, or even develop a RuPaul fixation… anything you can use as a crutch to get you through this time:

I'm going to be all Jolly Hollers!

2. I’m also thinking that I may try to interpretive dance until everyone leaves me alone. Because there is only so long one can see you “feel” the music like that one super wasted lady at any concert.

 

 

3. This is the one I always try the hardest at… stop caring. My sister tells me this every year. And every year I fail, and end up crying covered in tamale fixings while watching a Sandra Bullock movie. But this year I’m dedicated…Oh the roast needs to be put in? Um I think I’m going to go watch Spongebob, because he doesn’t yell at me for putting up twinkle lights when obviously the stair banister wants multicolored lights.

 

Have a fun Holiday time everyone. Please don’t cut me.

♫LAUREN

 

Isabel Stare-A-Thon 2011: A Note From the Founder

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I don’t get to say that I am the founder of many things. I mean I could say I’m the founder of Southern Canada, but that hasn’t happened yet. I could also say I created KFC,  but yet again that is a lie. And I am super bad at telling the fibs.

What I can say is that 4 years ago I started a little tiny holiday that was supposed to celebrate my friend Isabel. For the following reasons:

1. She’s really awesome

2. She’s is about 120 miles away and its a bit far when you work the 9-5 and school 24/7

3. I like staring at things, and being in architecture school I didn’t get to see my pals for quite a long time.

So when I graduated I set a goal to “see” my friends, and at the same time create a holiday to celebrate her awesomeness.. So I got this brilliant idea to stare…. directly at Isabel, and I much like her truest love Clay Aiken I never want to stop looking at her.

Now we take a month to take in Isabel. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Also I hope everyone who is staring this year is enjoying their periscopes.

♫Lauren