2012

The one where Lauren turned out to be a Rachel

| Viciously Sweet

Dear Internet,
I’m sorry there have been a lot of things happening as of late. Not all of the things happening have been particularly interesting. One thing that has been interesting has been the stalking. I have an internet stalker… who I am sure is reading this right now! Hi. Can you do me a solid and please stop freaking me out? The other interesting thing that happened to me was I got a free pretzel at the mall.

Also, I have been not watching an extensive amount of romantic comedies… like my normal self would- mostly because I am studying my for my architectural exams, and I have been obsessively exercising. I got to change it up, and I suppose that time is now.

Something else I have been doing different is watching “Friends”. Although I loved the show when I was a child and teenager. I always thought that Ross and Rachel turned out to be the most irritating people ever. Like, ever. Did they like each other? Did they have like a fluffy hair championship going on? Were they really supposed to be together? Why did Ross marry everyone he ever met? Bleh. Everyone got tired of it, because in real life everyone just wants to eat a sandwich with Joey, and sing a song or two with Phoebe.

Now when I was a kid I idolized Monica, she had it all the cool apartment, a really fun job, she dated TOM SELLECK! And eventually she married Chandler (Boy, was that a Spoiler if you haven’t seen that show)… who was the coolest dude on the show to me. I knew as a child I wanted to grow up to be a Monica… you know help people out, and clean everything one more time after other people had already cleaned. And then I started watching the show again and I realized the most terrifying thing that could happen to a girl.

I was just innocently watching when I realized I grew up to be a really naive, moderately spoiled, gets my clothes dry cleaned, completely lost kind of 20 something person. And I can’t cook, nor do I have those long peasant skirts, and I don’t relish sandwiches as much as Joey… and all I do is freak out about not knowing what I am doing… I saw Rachel differently, I understood her turmoil about liking and hating Ross at the same time. I understood why she runs away from commitments, I understood how much time she spends on her hair, I understood that she has no idea why she does these things… because I have no clue either.

And I even say stuff like this:

I’m going to hide in a corner and flip my hair out 90s style now. And Ross is going to go marry some British girl I think.

♫Lauren

And this is a shoutout to Amber… Dab is totally a Joey.

By the Power of Grayskull!

| Viciously Sweet

I have been discovering lately that people are having the worst and most boring conversations ever conversed around me.

And since I work in a cubicled heaven… I can take a lot of boring. But for this month I have reached my quota of stuff I don’t want to hear about. I had previously made a post about how to engage me in conversation… but now I’m thinking I should print it out and hand it to people who tell me stories I am not interested in!

Things I recently discovered I don’t care about:
-Purple vests… unless they are on Joseph Gordon Levitt, I’m not interested.
-Social events I’m not invited to… seriously, rude!
-Some other boring third thing. I’m sorry, my brain went to sleep because of the boredom I have been suffering through.

On a doodley side note: I wish I really had all these costumes, because everything would be so much more fun… people would be more concerned that there is a grown up woman dressed like a 1980s cartoon character, and they would not feel the need to tell me a 10 minute story about how they think they should MAYBE go to the dentist.

Can somebody tell me one exciting story?!? Or at least buy me candy while they tell me a sucky one?

♫Lauren

A Solitary Gull

| Viciously Sweet

I have no real post to go with this… so just kick back, relax, and sing the following Gwen Stefani song with these lyrics instead.

A few times flown around this block, so don’t confuse me with that big hawk…

I’m going to go to the great big Pun convention in my brain now.

♫Lauren

Now with Sugar Coating

| Viciously Sweet

I was feeling a little more vicious last week than sweet, so I hid in a cave with the Phantom of the Opera until the fed-ex man of my emotions showed up with a new box of sweetness.

And while sitting there with my new freind Phanty I tried to reflect on what I needed in life. What can make this Lauren incredibly happy? What is it that I really need? After watching Season 2 of “Samantha Who”, I discovered a few things I need:
– To let myself realize that I am going to make mistakes, and not to overburden myself with them
-To finish reading Pride and Prejudice
-To take my tests to get my Architectural License.
-Actually go kayaking, hey there Isabel.
-To Do whatever else I please, with a smile on my face.
-Eat a boat load of pastries

And yes sir, that’s all I need.

I’m going to go work on my sugary coating.

♫Lauren

The Nostradamus Award

| Viciously Sweet

The following doodle came from one of those gray moments in life. And sadly not a Dorian Gray kind of moment. And… not exactly a 50 Shades of Gray moment in life (shout out to Amber who read those books twice). But yet a moment that could have been narrated well by Gilbert Gottfried.

I pray that someday he will narrate my life story…

Any who, on with the non specifics. Where as most will have to wait for my life story* to get the full details on this particular event in my life, we can all share this doodle. Basically, I never realized how important things you learn in high school are. Exponential Mathematics, running laps, learning how to do a Southern accent to be in “Steel Magnolias” never have done me any good in my real life. I never realized how having to read the Scarlet Letter outloud in school 9 years ago saved my life:

So, I sit here and wonder if and when I will employ any of those terrifying facts I learned from “Wuthering Heights”…

And note to all the people out there: The only time I’ll be “Scarlet” is when I’m playing “Clue.” She gets to go first, and in the Office Edition it’s Pam… and I am totally a Pam.
♫Lauren

*The tentative title is “Love and Lollipops and Daggers: the Truest tales of Lauren”

Literary Cats

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Sometimes I have dreams. Sometimes those dreams are scary bird men. Sometimes they are about surprise meatloaf.

I realize my thoughts are more than a little in the clouds. (And I must say I hope my thoughts are in the clouds Keanu Reeves walks in, he’s dreamy.)

Today my thoughts are not any different. I had this thought about my cats being like the Grimm Brothers of the cat world. They write moralistic stories about cats and the world they live in… which is my house.

You may not know this but they also wrote the story of “The Little Mercat” but Hans Kitty Anderson is always trying to make claim on it.

I’m going to go celebrate my Mom’s birthday now.
♫Lauren

The Legend of El Tejon

| Viciously Sweet

Jolly Hollers Internet!
I have fallen off the scan-your-doodle wagon. I have a bunch of doodles I really just need to get on their way. I think this one is one of the most culturally important doodles because it shows a turning point in history.

Me, the worst Spanish speaker in recent history, besides my sister. Actually knew something in Spanish my coworker the Dab had no idea about it. (And Dab is the Spanish Master.)

So mark it in the records 6-4-12, was the day I knew more Spanish than… the Dab.

I will celebrate it every year. With joy and fervor. I will commemorate it with one pristine churro. I however do acknowledge that this doesn’t compare with me thinking ghost in Spanish was “El boo Hoo Hoo”.

Let’s go get a churro! Yeah Yeah YEAH!
♫Lauren

The Snail Mail of Joy!

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A few moons ago I made a fun and funky fresh doodle of Jen from one of the best blogs ever Sips of Jen and Tonic, because she had inspired a new dream for me. Apparently when Jen saw her doodle it filled her days with joy and raptors:

The doodle actually changed her life in a “Amelie” like way. And through a series of events dispensing her own variety of justice, and dancing through the lush forests of Oregon with a gnome she lovingly calls Giuseppe. Jen decided to spread her new found doodle related joy by sending a little bit of her Tonic splendor down to this very Lauren, in the South of California.

So this little letter filled with ultimate happiness slid all the way down El Camino Real, and and landed at the right foot of my mailman. So excited that he wasn’t just delivering magazines and petsmart coupons, my mailman was on a divine quest to send a rare actual piece of mail. After standing tall with the letter in his hand he exclaimed to the sky, “Lauren needs this immediately” and waited until I got home to hand me this little friend:

And I was so excited, because that envelope was full of presents… and Lauren’s ♥ Presents!:

I felt like a child on the morning of Christmas, except this was an UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS! So I decided to (jon) hamm it up with my new prize:

And to following my childish joy I decided to make like a teen show starring Ben Savage, and Introduce “Jen to the World”. So I showed her off to the fake Chicago in my room:

And then I tried to introduce her to my Norton the cat, but… He was very busy doing cat things:

You know how cats are. So I send you a doodle thanks for totally making my day:

And yes friendship to me means matching sailor outfits…

♥ & lollipops,
LAUREN

Work Diary: May 24th

| Viciously Sweet

Today has been a busy day at work. Really really busy. It’s a day that will go down in history as “pretty darn busy.” It was also the kind of day that separates professionals from the… not professionals.

And let me be the first to tell you… I’m on the professional side.

Everything now makes so much more sense. The files seem much fuller, the text more encrypted than even before. Pixels more squarer than they have ever been… The codes for LA County crisp, as a magnificent apple in my mind.

If I were like a zany professional teen, I would write this down in my hello kitty diary quicker than anything ever before, but I’m too sophisticated for that… I have the power of doodles:

And everyone take note that it was a CC:’d email, not a BCC:’d email so it was no secret!

♥ & breifcases,
Lauren